Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

Why is everyone getting married at me

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous