Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Math at Halloween.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

Too easy.

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast