Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.