friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
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Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
awkward
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Jurassic park gets weird
🥲
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
When the stylist spins you back around
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are