friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.