friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
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accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Smooooooth
*puts words between two asterisks*
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”