Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain

[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.