friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
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My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
that colleague who touches your screen
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children