Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

me irl

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

Uh oh…

I have so many questions.

The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.