Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty much. 🤣

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

Hey! This isn’t my car!

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣