Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?