Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
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My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.