Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

me, after any kind of buffet.

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.