Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
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Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief