Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.