Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

Punctuation Matters. Period.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?