Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
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Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My dad teaching me to drive
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice