Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
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I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Watermelon Boss!
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*