You Might Also Like
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Story of my life…..
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.