Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
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What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Yup….perfect score!
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.