Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
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first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’d love this…lol
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.