Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

Me when I try to be useful

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

Every work call, he judges.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

meanwhile over on facebook

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence