Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Adulthood is about finding three things:

1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

😆

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.