Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.