Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

saw this in a dream

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia