Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.