Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no