Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
found this cool rock hiking today
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.