Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
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Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.