friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
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ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
🍂🕷️🍂
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.