Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*

Everybody: *Hurts*

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

Good for him.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

Never forget.

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.