Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.