Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
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Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Is this a threat?
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.