Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

Have kids, they said

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”