Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

A male goth is called a broth.

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

hand it over!

What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.

What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or