FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
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If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:
“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”
Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
March 16
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*