Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

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If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.


Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.


It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.


friend: is this tv high definition

me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce?

TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting


Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.


My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord


Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.


How can you waste food when there are starving children in…ew onions.


So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.


Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?