@HumorParasite: Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
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@ibid78: "You know why I pulled you over?" "Does anyone know why anyone's pulled over?" "Wow. You're free to go." "Is anyone free?" "Oh you're good."
@Moldy_Jellybean: My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
@drankturpentine: *a jerk swings a hammer at me but I dodge and hold up a birdhouse that was one nail shy of being completed*