Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
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[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Spring of Deception
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.