@HumorParasite

Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

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@LostFelicia

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

@DarlingNikki_12

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

@cravin4

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

@captainkalvis

friend: is this tv high definition

me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce?

TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

@longwall26

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

@tat2dsoccermom

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked there.

@NervousJr

How can you waste food when there are starving children in…ew onions.

@ceejoyner

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

@SentenceReduced

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?