all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
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Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
That’s it.I’m out.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.