Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?
Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful
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As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
A woman drives into a bar.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Carpe DM
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
😂🤣😂🤣
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY