Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
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[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.