Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.