Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
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[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
our love story in four pictures
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Math at Halloween.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.