friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
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Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Children of the Corn Man
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back