friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
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Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.