Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.