Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

Its a hippotatomus

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please