@candyflippin

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

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@SaraMansford

The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.

@10kbabyspiders

My wife is at a movie tonight. The house is empty. You know what that means.

Bubble bath with all the lights on because I thought I heard a noise.

@heyitsJudeD

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

@mrjohntofu

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

@HomeWithPeanut

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

@super_morgasm

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

@meaghano

my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”

@sixfootcandy

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.