friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
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I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I have questions??
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Good news