The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to eventually fold.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
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My wife is at a movie tonight. The house is empty. You know what that means.
Bubble bath with all the lights on because I thought I heard a noise.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.