friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
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CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out