Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.