Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
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Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*