Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

Ah..makes sense now

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂