Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
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I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”