Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
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8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
tfw you realize …
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.