Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
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Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time