Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
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Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Marriage: When dating goes too far.