Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.