Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
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Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
*jazz hands*
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.