Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
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LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order