Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
You Might Also Like
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room