Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim