Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs