Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
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*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
seems fine
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire