Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.