Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
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[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*