Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
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A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
how long have you had this for?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.