friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin