friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?