friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My blood type is b hungry.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.