friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
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And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today