Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks