Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
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*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
is this a warning or an offer?
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.