Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
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A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.